Here’s Hoping No Librarians Read This

My sister (let’s give her an assumed name, Cordelia, so as not to blow her cover) is determined to go to heaven. To that effect, Cordelia only sins when she’s under an umbrella (so God won’t see). When she senses God is listening, she makes loud announcements about her plans to bake cookies for priests; and on Sunday mornings she hides under her covers so God won’t be able to see that she’s in bed instead of at Mass. (God can see through clouds and bedroom ceilings, you see, but not through umbrellas or blankets. You learn these things if you’re brought up in a godly manner.)

The point is that if the Man Keeping Score doesn’t know that Catherine, I mean Cordelia, has sinned, well then, she hasn’t sinned.

Now, I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in the authority of librarians. And I also got a big dose of the “sin” mentality growing up, and I have to say, it shows in my library behavior. I know how to break all the rules in the library and never get caught. I have an exemplary library record, I am going to library heaven, but do you have any idea how many sandwiches I ate and how many thermoses of tea I drank in the library yesterday?

Frankly, it’s a stupid rule. No eating in the library? Nothing comforting and comfortable should be prohibited in a library (unless it makes loud noises). And besides, the idea behind the no-food rule is to keep the carpets and the furniture clean, and I gotta tell you, the dumb furniture would stay a whole lot cleaner if I didn’t have to shove my sandwich into the crevices of this armchair to hide it every time a librarian looks at me.

(That being said, I don’t blame that one librarian for getting a bit peeved the time he discovered me pouring Multi-Grain Cheerios and blueberries into an enormous vat of yogurt and stirring it up with a huge spoon. But I was off my game that day. I should’ve been using an umbrella.)

This random post is brought to you by the life philosophy of my friend Anastasia, aged 5: “I love life because I love sugar and I love everything on my hands!” (This philosophy is particularly applicable while eating a messy pizza bagel.)